Monday

Well, we have to be at the hospital at 10:30 on Monday morning for Austin's surgery, checking in to the 4th floor. I am so nervous. I am sure all will be okay, but I just hate that my baby has to have surgery.

I am officially in school! I signed up for an online course for Medical Transcriptionist and I start as soon as my books get here ! I am so excited .... this will lead to great opportunity to work at home or at a doctor's office or hospital. So I am really excited.

No more thoughts of calling mother .... thank goodness. I now realize that nothing that woman could say could change the way I feel and I also can tell you, that even after 5 years, she hasn't changed. So I am letting her go ... again ... I fear that I will have to have moments of letting her go from time to time but that is okay.

We got new dishes last night, we have been needing some dishes and so now we have a matching set which is great. also got some new silverware so all of that matches too! so yay!

Anyway, that is the lastest here ..... what have you guys been up to ? Hope that you will leave me a comment, I miss you guys! :)

'Til the next haunt ......

Thanks to Jacquelyn

I have a new header .. what do you think ? I aboslutely love it ! Thanks hunny !

We got Austin's surgery date ~ March 2nd. the hospital will call us Feb 27 to let us know what time to be ther e and his drinking and eating schedule before surgery. I am so nervous. I am sure he will do fine, but I am a mom, I can't help but be nervous.

I have the Tarot of Transfermation and drew this card today ~ the 1 of wands ~ grounding for creativity. I hope this means my writers block is starting to go away. I did actually write a poem on Feb 10th which I will share with you in a minute. This card means the starting or beginning of new thinking, thoughts and ideas. An unstoppable moviement. It is however the Ace of Wants which makesit a pretty pwerful card.While cards 2-19 in this suite mean hiding from the truth or afraid of facing the truth, this card means the opposite. Mental forces, truth and justice, fortitude and strengtj.

I have seen He's Just Not That Into You 3 times so far and I absolutely love it. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD. I mainly watched for Justin Long and boy was he a cutie in this movie. If you haven't seen it, RUN to your nearest theater. Don't think about it, just go!

Ok here is the poem I write the other day ~ It's called "Transenction"

There's this way you touch my face

It trancends all of space and time

It keeps me grounded in this place

You make me feel amazed and fine

As you caress my shoulder, I am transported

To a stream of concsiousness that takes me away

As I sink into your arms I know that I am supported

Sweet kisses acress my neck fade the day away

As our bodies mesh into one, I feel a completeness

One that makes magical happenings flow about

As I lay in your arms I am amazed by your sweetness

And I know that instantly you have gained some clout

Copyright@Renee Feb 11 2009

Well there ya have it , the first poem I have written in months. It's not very good but it's a start,

I found this on the net the other day which I just found heartfelt and it really spoke to me, there was no copyright info, so if it is yours let me know and iwill gladly credit ~ It's called "Weaving"

We must learn to walk in balancesacred steps to takeWeaving peace and understandingthrough all that we createA tapestry of love and lightfinest threads of goldSacred flame ever burning brightthrough all that we beholdWhen we learn to walk in balancethe healing will take placeThe healing of this earth Our Motherthe healing of the human raceA tapestry of love and lightfinest threads of goldsacred flame ever burning brightthrough all that we behold.

Isn't that amazing?

Yesterday was a great day off with the family , we got laundry and dishes done and then we went and bought a couple of shelfs for our bedroom so I could get some of my witchy stuff up off the floor and get my altar organized. I must say it looks great!!!!!!!

Anyway, I think I have rambled on long enough this time, so I will let you go ~

'Til the next haunt .........

Not Ready to Make Nice

This goes out ot my mother ~ had to get this off my chest ~

"Not Ready ot Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds goodForget, I’m not sure I couldThey say time heals everythingBut I’m still waitingI’m through with doubtThere’s nothing left for me to figure outI’ve paid a priceAnd I’ll keep payingI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldI know you saidCan’t you just get over itIt turned my whole world aroundAnd I kind of like itI made my bed and I sleep like a babyWith no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach herDaughter that she ought to hate a perfect strangerAnd how in the world can the words that I saidSend somebody so over the edgeThat they’d write me a letterSayin’ that I better shut up and singOr my life will be overI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldForgive, sounds goodForget, I’m not sure I couldThey say time heals everythingBut I’m still waiting

'til the next haunt ....

Surgery

Well I am dowm to 144 so I have lost 8 pounds! Now if I could just keep this up I will be doing good. I am doing my home work outs, eating better and drinking more water.

So i took Austin to the dentist thinking it would just be a regular ole' cleaning, but the doc found 4 caveties .. two he took care of in the office and two he has to have surgery for. He needs caps on his permanent molars. My baby has to have surgery!:( We go to his regular doc Tuesday, then from there the surgical consulatant will call us with the surgery date and where we have to go. Zach will take off that day to be with me and to drive us since I don't drive in Austin.

On another note, I went out with an ex boyfriend last night to dinner. It was nice to see him agian, he paid for dinner and then we hugged goodbye. It was nice.

Anyway, that is the latest here .....

'Til the nect haunt ....

Weight loss goals

i weigh 152. There i said it. And it's all in my stomach. People think I am pregnant because of the weight I have there. I have started eating right and drinking more water. And i worked out a little bit at home on the Fit channel. But i want to lose the weight now. i want it to be easy and just magically lose the weight. I know that can't happen, but boy it would be nice. It's just all frustrating and I am at my wit's end.

On another note, I found my brother on facebook. Now al ot of you didn't know I had a brother because I don't talk about him. He pretty much abandoned me when my mom did. All because he was scared of her. I sent him a message, whether or not he replies, still remains to be seen. At this point, it would be nice, but I could care less.

Found some of my old high school friends on Facebook and we have been having a great time going back and forth. Am lucky i ran into them. One being my best friend, Marla. i am so excited.

Anyway, that is the latest here ... if I can just stick with working out, then I will be all good.

From the Daily Om : The Dance of Intimacy

Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that the dance of intimacy involves coming together and moving apart. Early in a relationship, intense periods of closeness are important in order to establish the ground of a new union. Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, budding relationships demand time and attention if they are to fully take root. Once they become more established, the individuals in the union begin to turn their attention outward again, to the other parts of their lives that matter, such as work, family, and friendships. This is natural and healthy. Yet, if a long-term relationship is to last, turning towards one another recurrently, with the same curiosity, attention, and nurturance of earlier times, is essential.
In a busy and demanding world full of obligations and opportunities, we sometimes lose track of our primary relationships, thinking they will tend to themselves. We may have the best intentions when we think about how nice it would be to surprise our partner with a gift or establish a weekly date night. Yet somehow, life gets in the way. We may think that our love is strong enough to survive without attention. Yet even mature trees need water and care if they are to thrive.
One of the best ways to nourish a relationship is through communication. If you feel that a distance has grown between you and your partner, you may be able to bridge the gap by sharing how you feel. Do your best to avoid blame and regret. Focus instead on the positive, which is the fact that you want to grow closer together. Sometimes, just acknowledging that there is distance between you has the effect of bringing the relationship into balance. In other cases, more intense effort and attention may be required. You may want to set aside time to talk and come up with solutions together. Remember to have compassion for each other. You’re in the same boat together and trying to maintain the right balance of space and togetherness to keep your relationship healthy and thriving. Express faith and confidence in each other, and enjoy the slow dance of intimacy that can resume between the two of you.

Why Can't You Turn and Face Me?

I actually tried to call my Mom the other day. What the hell was i thinking? Some miraculous melody of "it's so good to hear from you" and "how are you doing?" Not my mom. I really don't know what I expected, I just felt the urge to call for some reason. But there was no answer. *Whew* After all of the years of abuse and hurt that woman caused me, she shouldn't get the priviledge of talking to me.

So I am a stay at home mom, a house dweller. And I should do more around the house. Zach is feeling the pressure of me not having a job and it's getting to him. We had a falling out the other night about all of this ... it's hard to explain, I mean I just don't feel good most of the time. I am going to try and do more around the house. So that should help out. I want to be able to contribute and I do some with child support and SSI but I want my disability to come thru so that I am doing more. Just pray and cross everything that this be approved. I don't know what else to do.... It's been going on 2 years and I am getting tired. ....

This song reminds me of my mom ~ "Passive" by A Perfect Circle:

“Dead as dead can be,” my doctor tells meBut I just can’t believe him, ever the optimistic oneI’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemyWake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybeSomeday I will walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”Maybe you’re better off this wayLeaning over you here, cold and catatonicI catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have beenIt's your right and your ability To become…my perfect enemy…Wake up (we'll catch you) and face me (come one now), Don’t play dead (don't play dead) Cause maybe (because maybe)Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”Maybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayYou’re better of this; you’re better off this;Maybe you’re better off!Wake up (can't you) and face me (come on now), Don’t play dead (don't play dead)Cause maybe (because maybe)Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You fucking disappoint me!”Maybe you’re better off this wayGo ahead and play deadI know that you can hear thisGo ahead and play deadWhy can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me? You fucking disappoint me!Passive aggressive bullshit

'Til the next haunt ~