Blessed Yule

Merry Christmas and Blessed Yule! Not much going on today ... Austin is out of town at his dad's and it's just Zach and me hanging out watching TV. We bought a ham yesterday so Zach is going to cook that for lunch.

I am reading a few books right now ~ Silver Ravenwolf's Hedgewitch, Dealing with a Bipolar Child, Sex and the City and am re reading Dianne Sylvan's The circle Within. Now if I can just concentrate long enough to get some reading done, I will be all good.

My neck has been giving me a hard time ... went to the doc the other day and got some shots and am on some extra meds for it.

That is about it from here ~ I hope that you all have a great holiday and am sending you all hugs and love!

'Til the next haunt ...

I can see clearly now

I went and had my eye exam the other day and my vision had gotten worse so getting these new glasses was awesome! I can actually see things far away now and not have to hold a book up to my nose to read it.

We had to get rid of our dog. He bit me yesterday morning on my lip so I had to go to the minor emergency center. They reported it to the animal control who came and got my dog yesterday. We signed the dog over to him to go be adopted again, just too much for us to take. It's a little sad but for the best.

Austin is still doing amazing on his medicines. He is on 2 now and they are helping him quite a bit. I am loving him so much on these medicines....he is like a different boy.. not that I didn't love him before, but you know what I mean.

Zach is going to start his radiology program soon at school. It will be very difficult on us financially but it is something that will help us in the longrun. So we just have to keep that in mind.

Work is still going well, I don't really like working Saturdays, but what can I do?! Anyway, enough about that ....

'Til the next haunt .....

Reaching

After I get off work Friday, we are going to hit a couple of sales around here so I can get some more work clothes -- I really need some.

My friend, Dianne Sylvan, who is also my fave author, has drawn something really amazing .. it's up here at her Deviant art page .. you can order the print... I want one for Christmas! I feel bad, I was supposed to go to her birthday party last weekend but we couldn't get a babysitter. Maybe next year! I really miss seeing her.

Austin is continuing to do well on his medicine. Just today we were standing in McDonald's and he looked at me, smiling, and said, "Why am I so happy?" I told him the medicine is working and it makes me happy, too. He just gave me a hug. How amazing is that?!

This is a Tarot deck I am waiting for ~ here ~. So amazing!

Anyway that is the latest from me .... looking forward to my day off tomorrow for Thanksgiving.

'Til the next haunt .....

PS ~ Lost comes back January 21 ! I so cannot wait!

A Sigh of Relief

So Austin has been really depressed. He even threatened to kill himself at school the other day. He has been moody, angry and all in all hard to deal with. It's been quite the toll on me. But, today, he went to the psychiatrist and he put him on Risperadone 4 mg and I gave him one and already I can see a difference! I didn't realize the medicine would work that fast. But it is certainly a welcome thing. I can finally talk to him without him freaking out. It's a wonderful feeling.

Things are still going great at the bank. I really really like it. And the time just flies by really quickly so that is good.

Austin had some DVDs that he no longer wanted so we put them on Ebay and we sold them! So we are going to give the money to Austin. He is excited.

Zach's parents are coming in for Thanksgiving. They are coming Wednesday night and staying that night and Thursday and they are headed back to Port Lavaca Thursday night. His mom works at a bank too so she has to be back at work Friday. I am excited to have them come, they have never come to visit us before so this should be fun.

Anyway, that is the latest from here .... leaving you with a song .... "Papercut" by Linkin Park:

Why does it feel like night today?Something in here's not right todayWhy am I so uptight today?Paranoia's all I got leftI don't know what stressed me firstor how the pressure was fed/but I know just what it feels likeTo have a voice in the back of my headIt's like a face that I hold insideA face that awakes when I close my eyesA face that watches everytime I lieA face that laughs every time I fall(And watches everything)So I know that when it's time to sink or swimThe face inside is here in me/right underneath my skinIt's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my backIt's like a/whirlwind inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing withinIt's like the face inside is right beneath my skinI know I've got a face in mePoints out all the mistakes to meYou've got a face on the inside too andYour paranoia's probably worseI don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't standEverybody acts like the fact of the matter isI can't add up to what you canBut everybody has a face that they hold insideA face that awakes when I close my eyesA face that watches everytime they lieA face that laughs everytime they fall(And watches everything)So you know that when it's time to sink or swimThat the face inside is watching you too/right inside your skinIt's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my backIt's like a/whirlwind, inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop, what I'm hearing withinIt's like the face inside is right beneath the skinIt's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my backIt's like a/whirlwind inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing withinIt's like the face inside is right beneath my skin(The face inside is right beneath your skin)(The face inside is right beneath your skin)(The face inside is right beneath your skin)The sun goes downI feel the light betray meThe sun goes downI feel the light betray me(The sun)It's like I'm/paranoid looking over my backIt's like a/whirlwind inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within(I feel the light betray me)It's like the face inside is right beneath your skin(The sun)It's like I'm/paranoid looking over my backIt's like a/whirlwind inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within(I feel the light betray me)It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing withinIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing withinIt's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

'Til the next haunt ...

Loving my job!

I have officially started at the bank and I absolutely LOVE it! The job itself is fun and not stressful at all. And the people I work with are amazing , they are so sweet and kind. And willing to help me whenever I need it. It's great.

Austin has a couple of appointments coming up. He goes to the dentist November 20th and then the psychiatrist November 24th. We have been waiting a while to get into both of those so it will be good to get them taken care of. Austin will really benefit from being put on meds. He needs them, with him being bipolar he really needs to be on them. Just as I am.

I have been able to see Zach more so that has been nice. We get off work at the same time so that is good. I love spending time with him.

Anyway, that is about the latest here, not much going on. I will write more soon!

'Til the next haunt .....

Growing stronger each day

Well the training is going well so far. I have one more week of training before I will be at the bank. There is so much to learn and know! I am feeling a little overwhelmed. And the hour drive to Austin is killing me... it's so long! At least I am not driving, I am so thankful for Kelly and her driving!

We didn't do anything for Halloween, Austin didn't want to do anything so I went to bed at 6:30 .. I was tired!

I have been feeling better since I have been on my anti depressant. Celexa really works. So that is a good thing.

I have been missing Zach ~ we don't see each other as much with me training in Austin so I have been missing him!

Leaving y0u with this song by All That Remains ~ Two Weeks:

and you neglected I called you out don't please I said we're stronger than this now you resurrected mistakes years past it seemed and they exist to still haunt you and still you feel like the loneliness is better replaced by this I don't believe it this way and I can see the fear in your eyes I've seen it materialize Growing stronger each day I could see it as you turned to stone Still clearly I can hear you say don't leave, don't give up on me two weeks and you ran away I remember don't lie to me you couldn't see that it was not that way swear I never gave up on you I wanted nothing but for that trust again and brick by brick you would take it You feared of phantoms and none exist but you you still saw fit to destroy it and still you feel like the loneliness is better replaced by this I don't believe it this way and I can see the fear in your eyes I've seen it materialize growing stronger each day I could see it as you turned to stone still clearly I can hear you say don't leave don't give up on me two weeks and you ran away I remember don't lie to me you couldn't see that it was not that way swear I never gave up on you and you neglected I called you out don't please I said we're stronger than this now You feared of phantoms and none exist but you you still saw fit to destroy it and I can see the fear in your eyes I've seen it materialize growing stronger each day I could see it as you turned to stone still clearly I can hear you say don't leave don't give up on me two weeks you ran away I could see it as you turned to stone still clearly I can hear you say don't leave don't give up on me two weeks and you ran away I remember don't lie to me you couldn't see that it was not that way swear I never gave up on you

'Til the next haunt .......

The job is mine!

I got the job! I am so excited :) I start the 28th and I couldn't be happier! The first week is training in Austin which is about an hour away. I am going to carpool with someone else who is going so I won't have to drive which is good. I was nervous about that.

Thought I would list my faves here .. since I don't have much else to talk about ...

Fave actors:

1. James McAvoy 2. James Roday 3. James Franco 4. Timothy Olyphant 5. Matthew Fox

Fave Actresses:

1. Evangeline Lilly 2. Angelina Jolie 3. Kate Winslet 4. Kerri Russell 5. Lena Headey

Fave TV shows:

1. Lost 2. Psych 3. House 4. True Blood 5. Moonlight

Fave Movies:

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 2. White Oleander 3. Laurel Canyon 4. Go
5. Heavenly Creatures

Fave bands/singers:

1. Linkin Park 2. Lacuna Coil 3. Within Temptation 4. 3 Doors Down 5. 3 Days Grace

'Til the next haunt ...

Now it seems I'm fading

I had a great job interview on Friday. It was at a bank and the hours of the job would be 10-2 Monday - Friday and some Saturdays from 9-1. I am so excited. The hours would be perfect for me and the bank is only about 5 minutes away. The lady who interviewed me said she was really impressed with me and that she really liked me. So that is a good sign. She said she would be making her decision Tuesday so I am nervous and awaiting tomorrow to come.

We went and saw Max Payne yesterday with Mark Wahlburg. It was okay, not that great. But it was good to get out. Then we went to Wal Mart and got a few things. Then later we went grocery shopping. I love Sundays, those are Zach's only days off so we usually spend it hanging out together. We also watched football. The Cowboys got beat bad and so did the Colts, another team I love. I love Peyton Manning so that is why I like the Colts.

Not much going on today, it's a quiet day. I have done dishes and some cleaning and that is about it. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment which I am anxious for. Am going to talk to him about my depression and my back. So kill two birds with one stone there.

I hope that Austin has a better week in school. I really wish there was more I could do to help him, but there isn't. I went and had lunch with him Friday which he liked. I brought him McDonald's so he enjoyed that.

We have gotten some new Evangeline pictures the last couple of days so that has been good. She is so pretty. The pictures have been from her upcoming movie, Afterwards. I can't wait to see that movie! I hope it comes to the theater here. This is such a small town sometimes we don't get some movies, so I hope that Afterwards is one we will get. Also, The Sarah Conner Chronicles was ordered for the full season, so that is good news!

Leaving you with this song by Three Days Grace, "Take Me Under":

Now it seems I’m fadingAll my dreams are not worth savingI’ve done my share of waitingAnd I’ve still got nowhere else to goSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayTake me all the waySeems you’re wanting me to stayBut my dreams would surely waste awayAnd I still have nowhere else to goSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayNow it seems you’re leavingBut we’ve only just begunAnd you’ve still got nowhere else to goSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayAnd I’ve been waiting so longAnd I’ve been waiting so longAnd I’ve been waiting so longSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayAnd I’ve been waiting so longAnd I’ve been waiting so longAnd I’ve been waiting so longSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayTake me all the way

'Til the next haunt .....

You're getting closer to pushing me off of life's edge

It's been a quiet few days here. Not much has been going on. I am feeling empty as usual and trying to feel better is a dream at this point. I almost didn't post in here because I fear there is nothing to say and I don't want to bore people. My life really isn't that interesting. Zach has been great, always there with a kind word or a hug. I am really blessed to have him as a husband. He understands me and loves me anyway, can't beat that.

And Austin is wonderful, he has been going thru some self esteem problems, though, which has me worried. I don't like him not feeling good about himself. And he keeps saying he has "bad luck". He says he has no friends at school, that no one picks him there, and that he is by himself at recess. I feel for him, I want to make it better and there is nothing I can do ... I don't know what to do about it. I feel like he isn't happy and that is my fault. Maybe if I was happy, he would be, too. Though I don't show him the sad part of me, he only gets the smiles and such. So I doubt he even knows I am depressed.

I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday morning about my depression. See I take meds for my bipolar but am not on an anti depressant and maybe I should be on one. There isn't a psychiatrist here anymore so I have to go to my regular doctor for it. We will see what he says.

I called the hotel I applied for a job at and they said they weren't looking at resume's until next week so I have to wait for that. And the banks I applied at go thru their HR department so I just have to wait and see if they call. I know one of the banks sends out letters if you aren't qualified so I guess I can hope to not get one of them.

I wrote to a few of my fave celebrities a couple of months back and yesterday I received something from Alex O Loughlin, star of Moonlight. He sent me an autographed picture that says "To Renee Best Wishes , Alex O Loughlin xox" I was so excited! That gives me hope that I will get something from the rest of them! I wrote to James McAvoy, James Roday, Dule' Hill, Matt Damon and Evangeline Lilly. So we will see!

Leaving you with 3 Doors Down, "Loser":

Breathe in right away, Nothing seems to fill this placeI need this every time, Take your lies get off my caseSomeday I will find a loveThat flows through me like thisThis will fall away, this will fall awayYou’re getting closer to pushing meOff of life’s little edgeCause I’m a loser And sooner or laterYou know I’ll be deadYou’re getting closer, You’re holding the rope, I'm taking the fallCause I’m a loser, I’m a loser, yeahThis is getting old, I can’t break these chains that I holdMy body’s growing cold, There’s nothin left of this mind Or my soulAddiction needs a pacifier, The buzz of this poison is taking me higherThis will fall away, This will fall awayYou’re getting closer, to pushing meOff of life’s little edgeCause I’m a loser and sooner or laterYou know I’ll be deadYou’re getting closer, You’re holding the rope and I’m taking the fallCause I’m a loserYou’re getting closer, to pushing me Off of life’s little edgeCause I’m a loser and sooner or laterYou know I’ll be deadYou’re getting closer, You’re holding the rope And I’m taking the fallCause I’m a loser

'Til the next haunt ....

Pics

Me nad my new haircut ...... Austin and his long hair ~ Me and Austin.

Just wanted to share some new pics...hadn't taken

any in a while. Love to hear what you guys think!

Think I'm going to cry, don't know why

Texas won! We watched the Texas/OU game Saturday and yay Texas won 45-35. I was so happy. The Cowboys lost in overtime on Sunday. They gave it up ... should have won. Our weekend was filled with football.

Saturday I went and got my hair cut ... it's cute. It's shoulder length now, pretty short. But I like it, much more manageable.

I applied at a hotel and a bank, so am waiting to see if I hear back from either one of them. I hope that I do. I am going tomorrow to apply at another bank. I am trying that is for sure.

My depression is really starting to get the better of me. I have been down for a while now and I am not sure how to get back up. I am trying and Zach is being so great. I just don't know what to do ...

Leaving you with a song from Ani DeFranco ~ "Cradle and All":

fourteenth street and the garbage swirls like a cyclonethree o'clock in the afternoon and i am going homef-train is full of high school studentsso much shouting, so much laughterlast night's underwear in my back pocketsure sign of the morning aftertake me hometake me home and leave me therethink i'm going to cry, i don't know whythink i'm going to sing myself a lullabyfeel free to listenfeel free to starei live in new york, new york the city that never shuts upin the daylight everything is so goryyou can hear snatches of stranger's sorry storiesand i moved there from buffalo but that's nothingthe trico plant moved to mexicoleft my uncle standing out in the coldsaid here's your last paycheck have fun growing oldtake me hometake me home and leave me therethink i'm going to cry, i don't know whythink i'm going to sing myself a lullabyfeel free to listenfeel free to starerockabye babyin the tree topwhen the wind blowscradle will rockwhen the bough breaksthe cradle will falland down will come babycradle and allyouth is beautymoney is beautyhell, beauty is beauty sometimesit's the luck of the drawit's the natural lawit's a jokeit's a crimei was boredyou were boredit was a meeting of the mindsnow it's three in the afternoon and i can't leave too soonsaying thank you, i had a nice timetake me hometake me home and leave me therethink i'm going to cry, i don't know whythink i'm going to sing myself a lullabyfeel free to listenfeel free to starerockabye babyin the tree topwhen the wind blowscradle will rockwhen the bough breaksthe cradle will falland down will come babycradle and allmaybe i'll live my whole lifejust getting bymaybe i'll be discoveredmaybe i'll be colonizedyou could try to train me like a petyou could try to teach me to behavebut i'll tell you, if i haven't learned it yeti ain't gonna siti ain't gonna staytake me hometake me home and leave me therethink i'm going to cry, i don't know whythink i'm going to sing myself a lullabyfeel free to listenfeel free to stare

'Til the next haunt .....

There's a Light that I can't Find

I had to go to the emergency center yesterday. I pulled my back out ~ They gave me a shot, and prescriptions for steroids and pain meds. Fun stuff. I am not even sure how I did it , I was just aware of the intense pain!

My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him in months. He just wanted to catch up and invite me to lunch sometime. It was good to talk to him. I don't know about lunch, I know that would bother Zach if i did that. But who knows.

Had open house tonight at the school and got to see some of Austin's work ~ It was great! He is really doing well and everyone I talked to about him gave him glowing reports.

I have been suffering from my depression for a while now. I can't seem to snap out of it. Of course, all of this job disappointment doesn't help. I just don't know what is wrong, so I can's seem to snap out of it. I need to see a psychiatrist and so does Austin but there isn't one in town. We would have to drive over an hour to get to one and that just does not sound appealing to me :( So we are just making it hoping that one opens. I really hope someone comes here. We need it desperately.

We had a break in our money situation, found some extra money in our savings account, not much, but it's enough to make do until next week. Thank the Goddess!

Leaving you with this song by 3 Doors Down ~"When I'm Gone":

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I amAnd everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone...Love me when I'm gone...

When your execution X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

Thank you Jacquelyn!

Thanks to Jacquelyn i have this awesome header. Now I feel at home here. Thank you so much sweetie!

Well things are going okay here .... I don't have a job right now and have been looking. The last few jobs haven't worked out for one reason or another so I am diligently hunting for something that will work. Maybe I am being too picky.

Going thru some money problems right now. See we bought me a new car ~ a 1992 Honda Accord and it's thrown us off our budget just a little. So it will take us a bit to catch back up.

Sharing a quote from the great Shawn Spencer of Psych: "Wait a minute Doogie. Is that a juice box and does it come in grapealicious?"

I just love that show.

Another new show addiction is True Blood, the new vampire series on HBO. It is really good, even got Jacquelyn into it!

Anyway, that is about all that is going on here. Austin is doing good .... he has been doing okay in school. They have added counseling and speech therapy to his list of services and so far he seems to be doing well. I am really impressed with this school!

Will post more later ~

'Til the next haunt ......

New blog

Is coming soon, once i get this place figured out!