Sunday, October 4, 2009

Facts about me

September 21 the world received meIn lovely Dallas, TexasNot only was I Daddy's little girlBut he was my safe haven
He was my hero and light That was dimmed in 1989 When he passed awayFrom heart complications His love is alive in me
My son is the most important person in the world Who has taught me patience, true love, and dedication He is my savior in every sense of that word
I was married before I wouldn't call it a mistake I just wouldn't call it wise But out of my time with him, I received the best gift My angel of a son Can't always trust your heart
I had a total hysterecomy in March 2004 Menopause at my age is a blast, let me tell you My medical issues are numerous But I learn to deal
I have bipolar, anxiety disorder, and fibromyalgia I take many meds a day and am not ashamed of it I say, whatever keeps me ticking, I will keep popping
I am independent, stubborn, and very set in my ways My priorities are finally mine With Austin being number one And the love of my life being number 2 I am on disability
I feel that my dreams are finally coming true With my roads certainly leading up And the bottom isn't coming out for once
And once I accepted I didn't need a significant other I found one, and my life's "bonus" is incredible
I am love with the TV shows Moonlight, Lost, CSI NY, NCIS and Psych I collecteverything on those shows And when they are on, I am not to be disturbed Other shows I love are CSI, Terminator:The Sarah Connor Chronicles, True Blood and Eastwick
Fave actors: Matthew Fox, Russell Crowe, Edward Burns, John Cusak Fave Actresses: Evangeline Lilly, Lena Headey, Jennifer Aniston, Olivia Wilde, Angelina Jolie, Elizabeth Mitchell, and Kate Winslet,Fave movies: Imagine Me and You, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,Laurel Canyon, Brokedown Palace, Holy Smoke, White Oleander and many more
Music brings out the creative passion in me.I love Linkin Park, Delirium, Plumb, Lorenna McKennit, Evanescence, Jay-ZI like a variety, way too many to name here
I am a neat freak.I clean AT LEAST 3 or 4 times a week.Hey, some people pick up a drink.I pick up Windex.
I cannot stand to cook.But I can. And I will on occassion.
We live currently in a 3 bedroom house.Which I am loving decorating.
I am extrememly devoted and proud of my faith.My fave time of day is the morning -- where it is all quiet and I do my blessings.I used to be a "Night Owl" and I still ADORE the night and feel close it it.I am just sleeping more through it now. Thanks to some nifty medicine.
I am a Texas girl and thought I always would be.Now I am entertaining the notion of (eventually!) movingAnd I would LOVE a vacation to Hawaii I could kill 2 birds wtih one stone Enjoy a vacationAnd stalk the Lost set Hey, a girl can dream
Writing is my passion Without it, I would lose what is left of my mind.And we all know we do not want that.My poems are the very heart and soul of me and Getting them on paper releases the pent up words
I am not much of a phone talker.Unless it is to people I can't talk to in person
I LOVE to read Mostly books on my bathI am an avid collector
I have certain demons from my past I am finally free of No, I DID NOT run, I CHOSE to cut things off for my own sanity For safety, health and legal reasons.
There is no greater sounds than Austin's "I love you Mommy" or "Mommy, you are the best" I could write a book on just his words, but let's face it, this is supposed to be a list
I CANNOT STAND HYPOCRITES OR INTOLERANCE! I could never change my yesterdays Because they made my todaysMy head is often not 100% clear, but as least I have room to clear it out
My life's motto: To leave 2 marks: one with my pen, and one with my heart

Some poetry by me


And somehow I know
The locked parts inside
I have lost the key
I need to just hide

I don't like it like this
I am so imprisoned'
I can't see the way out
If only I'd listened

The bruises I have
Cover every inch of me
I don't know how to heal
So that I may finally see

And somehow I know
Even with my locked inside
You'll one day find the key
And I'll no longer have to hide

Copyright© Renee

"Save It"

Dry your eyes
The tears aren't real
You can no longer manipulate
The way that I feel

Quiet your voice
You portray the victim
Merely to get sympathy
They don't even know you've tricked them

Hush your thoughts
Sadly, you believe your lies
You brought this upon yourself
And I refuse to sympathize

No more bullshit 'I love yous'
Tired of your constant mind fuck
I chose to simply walk away
And at last, I feel unstuck

Copyright© Renee

"Gentle Hauntings" (named for my blog)

A bared, haunted and broken soul
Evident thru these very pages
Falling down this deep, dark hole
Its feels I've been there for ages

Am not here to merely sugarcoat
And my writings are not to gain pity
It's my therapy to read what I wrote
Not all of it is going to be pretty

Despite being completely frozen inside
I know that blessings are all around
All I have to do is look beside
Where they keys lie so I don't feel bound

I see the piece of my reflection
The past; creeping and daunting
Here is where you will find heartfelt affection
Through these pages of Gentle Hauntings.

Copyright© Renee

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

An Evening For Two

On a star lit evening, a horse drawn carriage came to a stop in front of Hotel Westminster Concord. A proper young woman emerged, wearing a long petticoat with a hoop skirt and a blue bonnet adorning her long tendrils. The hotel doorman took her hand and helped her out of the carriage while the driver went to the back to grab her luggage. A telescope captures all of this from across the street where a man heads out his door toward the hotel.

“Right this way, Miss,” the doorman said, taking her arm.

Inside, Senator Crittendon awaited his new bride. He was anxious to see her since it had been a month. President Lincoln had him busy on his new Emancipation Proclamation, which kept him out of town. It also kept him in the way of a lot of controversy, for there were many people against this. Suddenly all of those thoughts vanished as he saw Emily heading his way.

Rising to meet her, he drank in her beauty and said, “Why hello there Mrs. Crittendon.”

Curtseying, she flashed a brilliant smile, “Hello there Mr. Crittendon.”

As they sat down he asked her about her trip which she said was fine. He tried to tell her about the goings on in the White House to which she stopped him.

“No business tonight, honey.”

“Fine by me, sweetheart, the night is ours.”

Suddenly entering the hotel was the mysterious man in a top hat. He took a seat far enough away from the Senator as not to attract attention, but close enough so that he could make out what was being said. He removed his hat and glanced at the newspaper on the table stained with coffee rings. “Senator Crittendon and President Lincoln to sign Emancipation Proclamation!” the headline screamed. This made the man fumble in his seat as he grew angry. Almost forgetting why he was there, he glanced back at the happy couple.

“I saw Aunt Starla while in Virginia,” Emily stated as she took a sip of her freshly ordered wine.

“And how was she?” Senator Crittendon replied taking in his Scotch.

“She was fine, asked about you. She is always saying you work too much and I can’t say that I disagree with her.”

“Emily you know how important it is now that I am with the President more. This Proclamation will make history.”

“It’s also dangerous, John. There are many people against this and I don’t want you in harm’s way.”

‘He already is,’ thought the man across the way. He knew Senator Crittendon and President Lincoln were the only two people in the way of this Proclamation.

“Why don’t we head to dinner? I have reservations at Beardslee Castle,” Senator Crittendon said.

Grinning, Emily asked, “Just what do you have planned tonight?”

“You’ll see,” he replied.

‘You certainly will,’ the man thought.

As the couple headed out to the horse and buggy, the man followed them out. He decided he would walk to where they were headed. It was brightly lit as it was a full moon out tonight. Taking out his pocket watch, he glanced at the time. 6pm. Plenty of time before his next rendezvous’.

He slowed his pace as he saw them get out at Beardslee Castle. After waiting for them to head in, he went in after and got a table for one. He was a few feet away, but was an accomplished lip reader so that shouldn’t be a problem.

“Why do you have to keep talking about this? I thought this was supposed to be our night!” Emily suddenly exclaimed after they had been there 20 minutes or so.

“I am sorry honey, it’s just really weighing on my mind. Did you know that I received a death threat today? A DEATH THREAT!”

As Emily gasped, the man just smiled at his handiwork.

“You should have the secret service protecting you as well.”

“They are where they should be … with President Lincoln.”

As their food arrived, neither one of them were in the mood to eat. Slowly picking at her food, Emily said words of comfort to her new husband. She knew she was being selfish, he was under a lot of stress, but so was she and he didn’t seem to notice that. The Senator spoke kind words back and the man thought to himself, ‘they better enjoy their last meal together.’

Paying the check, Emily went into the restroom, kissing her husband on the way.

“I will get the carriage ready,” he called after her.

Now was the time. The man exited the restaurant and headed across the street to the deserted building. Pulling a rifle from his trench coat, he positioned him on the 3rd floor. He waited patiently for Emily, he wanted this to happen in front of her. After securing a clear shot, Emily emerged from the restaurant and gave her husband a final kiss. A single shot rang out. The Senator slouched down, blood stains following. Emily screamed. People flooded the area yelling for the police and an ambulance.

The man only smiled, as he headed down the stairs, rifle put back away. He went out the back of the building so as not to attract attention. His next stop: Ford’s Theater where the President would be taking in a play.

by Renee Furlow. Not to be copied or removed without permission.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A short story by me

“To Be Sure” a story based on fact by Renee Furlow©
Not to be copied or removed without permission

Standing at the ticket counter, she impatiently tapped her credit card as the clerk fiddled with her unmoving terminal.

“And it was just the one ticket, right miss?” the clerk, “Jane”, yelled loud enough for the entire line of people to hear.

“Again, yes, just the one,” she replied, flashing a casual smile at her now audience. She had offers of loved ones to go with her, but she had turned them down. This was a trip she had to face on her own.

To be perfectly honest, “Jane” could have taken all day and it wouldn’t have bothered her or mattered in the least. She was in no hurry to reach her destination. It was a place that she never once wanted to set foot in again. Twelve years ago she had left and never looked back and had zero regrets about that decision.

“Miss? Miss?” “Jane” snapped her from her thoughts by requesting her credit card.

Taking her ticket, she went to the airport bar. She needed something to calm her nerves down a bit and, though it was out of character for her, a good, stiff drink sounded divine.

“Tequila and tonic please,” she requested as she sat down, eyeing the people around her.

Her thoughts floated from her unusually strong drink, to her loved ones she was leaving for this trip, and then to the young father and little girl sitting a table not far away. People had always told her she had to have come from something, though she felt she had come from nothing. Except for her daddy. Taking another sip, she thought about him and his resonating light that still shone in her. She was only truly happy in her childhood when she was with him. Everything from his loving hugs, to their unique games, and to their routine “Scooby Doo” viewings. She caught herself actually smiling.

“Another?” the bartender asked causing her to realize her drink was already gone.

“Oh, um, …”

“You looked a little lost in though there. Drinks disappear that way.”

Laughing, she checked her watch. “Maybe just one more.”
“Sure thing. Must have been some good thoughts.”

“Yes,” she said looking down, “My Dad.”

“Close to him?”

“Yes. I mean, yes I was. He passed away 27 years ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Must have been some man to still be able to make you smile like that.”

“He sure was.”

“FLIGHT 1842 TO DALLAS NOW BOARDING AT GATE 23,” the intercom announced.

Reaching for her purse, she grabbed her wallet, “That’s me.”

Waving his hand, “Drink’s on me, enjoy the flight.”

“Maybe the flight,” she said and headed off to board the plane.

As she sat in her window seat, she admired the billowing clouds rolling by. They seemed to resemble the hands of the Gods and she longed for one of them to hold out her daddy for her. Things, she thought, would have turned out much differently had he not been taken from this life so soon. He had passed away at the young age of 35. She was now 38. She couldn’t believe the gap in those numbers. So close they were, yet so far away. She rang for the flight attendant for some water. She decided it was time for the prescribed Xanax. She hated traveling in general, even long car rides, but especially this trip. Her doctor understood and encouraged the use of the pills as needed. She had a feeling they just might be her best friends on this trip. Sighing, she rested her head against the window, waiting on the little pill to do its large task.

There was no one seated next to her, so she didn’t feel quite so closed in, which was helpful. She didn’t really know what to expect when the plane landed, both from her mindset and from the city itself. Though her birth certificate proved otherwise, Dallas was never home in her mind. It had become a representation of fear, sadness, grief and disappointment. Her thoughts suddenly became muddled as the Xanax began taking its job seriously. Her eyes fluttered a few times before finally closing.

“Do you plan on being white trash your entire life?”

“What are you talking about?”

“No college means white trash, but I guess you really don’t give damn about who you are or how it represents me. You have never been much more than worthless anyway!”

“This is unfair!”

Jolted awake by the flight attendant, she rubbed her eyes in hopes it would erase the latest memory that crept into her dreams.

“We will be landing shortly, please fasten your seatbelt,” the attendant said with a smile.

At least she had slept the entire flight. That was at least one part of this godforsaken trip out of the way. One more day before she would be right back here. After gathering her small bag from the overhead compartment, she grabbed a taxi and was on her way to the Holiday Inn. She chose one that was just enough out of the way that she wouldn’t run into anyone she knew. That was most definitely the last thing she wanted to do. It felt strange to be back in this city, seeing the familiar street names go by as the cab sped for its destination. To be here alone was also a bit scary, but this trip was most certainly meant to be a solitary one. There was no sense dragging anyone else into this mess. Her family had understood.

After checking into the hotel under a different name, she reached room 316, and after a quick check of the room itself, she double locked herself in. She could never be too careful in this city. Sitting on the bed, she smiled to herself knowing she was somewhat safe from all of the precautions she had taken. That anominity made her feel a tiny bit on the safe side. That was not an emotion easily felt in this town that was for sure.

Glancing at the clock, she realized she only had two hours to be ready. Reluctantly, she opened her bag and took out the one outfit she had brought and then headed for the shower. A good hot shower would most certainly ease her tension. Showers usually did that for her. Before entering the bathroom, she double checked the locks on the door to ensure her security.

At roughly 3:00, she was in another taxi headed to Restland Funeral Home. She had two things to do once arriving: visit her father’s gravesite with some fresh flowers, and then, go view her mother’s body. It felt almost wrong that she be there as well. To be placed where her father was seemed such an honor, one that her mother didn’t deserve. That was in her mind, anyway. She would never say that aloud. But, there was nothing she could or would do about where her mother was to be buried. One, she didn’t want to be involved and two, she didn’t want to be involved. The less she had to do with any of this mess, the better off she would be. She figured the pros of having her mother at least put to rest somewhere outweighed any possible cons there might be.

After paying for the taxi, she headed for the gift shop where she purchased a bouquet of a dozen blue carnations, her daddy’s favorites. A young gentleman in a golf cart took her to the section where her father’s gravestone lay, and she spent a good amount of time there just reflecting. Reflection of her memories with him, thinking about the horrors of living with her mother, and thinking of her family back home whom she would have loved for him to meet. Checking her cell phone for the time, she decided it was time to head to the viewing room. She didn’t want to be there when anyone else might show up, she wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible.

Upon arriving at the building, she couldn’t help but think this could all be one big joke in order to get her back in town. She wondered if she would get to the room where her mother lay and she would jump and yell “Gotcha!” Insane thoughts, she knew, but all too real in her mother’s mind. Following the funeral director’s route, she arrived at room 23 and with apprehension and hesitation, she peeked around the room to make sure no one else was there. She stepped one foot inside and immediately felt like the little girl who was “not good enough” and “a failure.” These thoughts were embossed on her psyche and she couldn’t help but feel them at this time. Walking further into the room, she saw it was an open casket and felt relieved in a way. At least she would be able to actually see her in her forever restful state. She slowly approached and saw her mother lying there, graying hair with a bad dye job. She was pale and had little make-up on, which was the norm. She was wearing one of her signature house dresses, the blue sleeveless one with the white flowers adorning it. She remembered the mornings she would see her in the kitchen and she would be taking her multitude of pills wearing that dress for what seemed like many days in a row. She had a crinkled brow, making it appear that she went out of this world the same way she lived in it. No jewelry was present, she just appeared plain and distant. The same feeling she evoked in life.

Deciding she had seen enough, she exited the room wordlessly. She had nothing to say, just like the last 12 years. There were no more words that could possibly have changed anything about their relationship. And she was fine with that. She had let that part go many years prior.

Calling for a cab, she waited impatiently in the foyer. She didn’t want to risk anyone recognizing her. She just wanted out. And fast.

“She hasn’t had anyone come to see her.”

“Excuse me?” she asked the director.

“The woman you just saw. Viewing has been open since noon and you are the first to come by.”

Startled, she couldn’t believe she had the time wrong. The next thought was not one of surprise. The way she treated everyone around her, she actually understood why no one would come. Her mother hadn’t exactly been known for holding onto many friends during her tumultuous life.

Seeing the taxi arrive, she thankfully stood up to leave.

“No one should go out alone. You are a good person,” the director said as she walked out the door.

She only smiled as she exited the lobby. She didn’t know just how “good” she was, but she did know she had to come. She decided then and there she wouldn’t stay to see the funeral actually happen. Seeing her mother lifeless and cold was enough.

Upon arrival at the hotel, she phoned the airport to change her flight to that evening instead of tomorrow morning. She was successful and the flight was in 2 hours. She cleaned up, changed and threw what little she had unpacked back in her bag and then called her family to let them know of her change of plans. She felt an absolute sigh of relief wash over her and she had to sit down a moment and catch her breath. Collapsing in the plush chair by the window and the too-loud air conditioning unit, she began to feel her eyes grow warm with the impending tears. She let them out. It was no ordinary cry. She wept. She let out all of the years of anger, hurt, rejection and betrayal. She even raised her voice with an occasional “oh my God” as the tears flowed.

The difference was these were not tears of sadness. These were tears of relief. It was over. The years of constantly glancing over her shoulder had come to and end. She felt absolute relief she would never hear the phrase, “You are such a disappointment to me” from her mother again. The torment, that, even though she hadn’t spoken to her in 12 years, had finally found a way out of her system. Just as quickly as the tears arrived, they departed. She stood up, wiped her face, grabbed her bag and headed for the airport.

“Miss? Can I get you anything?” the flight attendant asked as she settled herself in another window seat.

Thinking for a second, she replied, “No, no thank you,” knowing that she wouldn’t need the Xanax now. Even traveling seemed easier now.

Arriving back home, she decided that she had earned another Tequila and tonic from the airport bar. She said down and noticed the same bartender.

“Back again so soon?”

“Fast trip.”

“Tequila and tonic?”

Smiling ,she nodded.

“How’d it go?” he asked, setting her drink in front of her.

“Actually, fine. Really okay.”

“Why do you say it that way?” he asked as he cleaned the glasses.

“My mother died. That is where I went, to view the body,” she replied, taking a huge drink.

“I am so sorry to hear that. Were you close?”

Laughing, she answered, “Not at all.”

“Then why did you go?”

“I had to be sure.”

“Of what?”

“That it was over.”

The bartender silently understood some of her internal thoughts. “And is it?”

Finishing her drink, and leaving some cash on the bar, she stood up to leave.

“Finally. It is.”

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


We moved last week from a really crappy 2 bedroom 1 bath house that didn't have central air or a dishwasher ... to a 3 bedroom 2 bath house with cental air and a dishwasher!!! This whole place is open and bright and really makes me feel closer to the Goddess. The house itself is my inspiration!

Austin is doing really well at his Dad's .... there are kids his age at the apartment complex so he gets a lot of chances to play. Which is nice. He also plays with his step brother and step sister when they are there every other weekend. His grades in school are amazing! The lowest grade he has so far is an 80! I am so very proud of him and I miss him so much!

I re read The Red Book by Sera Beak on Sunday ~ Cover to cover. It was so spirtually enlighting that I felt charged up to get back into my Wiccan traditions.

Anyway, that is the latest from me ... Will post more soon!

'Til the next haunt ......

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Things Change

Austin is moving in with his Dad on August 8th for 1 year. I am going to miss him like crazy. But I think it will be good for both him and his dad.

I have been in and out of the hospital lately because I ran out of one of my meds and it made me system go wonky. I am feeling better now.

We went to see Zach's parents last weekend. They had come and picked up Austin and kept him for a week which was really nice. So we spent the 4th down in Port Lavaca.

Other than that not much has been going on. I am trying to get motivated to do my schoolwork but that is proving to be hard. I have some new books I want to read that I can't even get motivated to do. I am bored.

I got approved for disability! Within 60 days I will start receiving checks which will help us out a lot! So I am excited about that.

Well that is the latest from here, 'til the next haunt .......

Monday, June 8, 2009

Summer School

School is out for the summer. But Austin has summer school starting June 15th. They felt it was best with his autism if he went during the summer. I agree. He gets a break from June 25th-July 13th so he is going to see his dad then. Then he gets out of summer school August 6th and school doesn't start back til August 24th so he is going to go back to his dad's then.

I haven't been feeling the best ..... been mostly laying around watching tv. Austin has been good about helping me around the house so it's been easier.

Other than that, not much is going on. We are going this weekend to see Zach's parents. So that should be fun.

'Til the next haunt ......

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Catching up

In the middle of March, we went to dallas for my husband's brother's wedding ... it was nice. The hotel we stayed in was really cool. Plus it was good to see his family.

Other than that, not much has been going on. I was so stupid the other day, I went to get gas and then drove off with my gas cap on top of my car ... so now i have to buy another one. Stupid me.

I have been in a flare up so mostly been laying around and not doing a whole lot. Been watching a lot of TV and reading. Trying to study too.

I have a disability hearing on the 28th so I hope that goes well. I really need it to go my way. After over 2 years of fighting, I really am tired.

Austin is doing well in school. I just have to work on waking up earlier so that I can get him there by 7:30 ..... I have been lax in that department. Anyway, he is doing well and his teachers have nothing but good things to say about him so that is good.

I have some new shows to add to my list; these are now the shows I watch: House, Chuck, 24, Castle, NCIS, Lost, The Unusuals, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles, Moonlight.

Anyway. that is the latest from here ... please leave me a comment I am missing you guys a lot!

'Til the next haunt ......

Saturday, March 14, 2009


I failed a test miserably. Now I have to retake it in a few days. I need to slow down and pay attention to what I am doing. I need to do well at school.

I have been volunteering at this place called Shapely Shake Shack They sell Herbal Life products there and i am going to start selling them too. So wish me luck on that .. iwill have a website soon for those interested. They are great products.

Zach didn't get into to his radiology program for this fall term ... he got i nfor next fall term. So he is blah about that .. .he was hoping to get out of where he is working sooner than that. I feel bad and there is nothing I can do to make him feel better.

Austin is feeling much better, even went and spent the night at a friend's house last night. Zach and I had a date night. Zach also said that a co worker offered to watch Austin sometimes for us so we can have a night out. I thought that was cool because we need more than just the occassional night he spends at his friend's house.

Anyway, that i sthe lastest from here ... not all good news unfortunately.

'Til the next haunt ....

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The wish Card

I drew the 9 of cups this morning out of my Celestial Tarot deck. Since this is often called the "wish card", I was glad to stumble across it. It means overcoming something, meeting goals. Well I overcame my fear of starting my school work and took 2 exams already. I got a 100 and a 75 so not too bad. The next set of books have come in and I need to dive into them too. I think I am liking this card!

Austin is starting to feel better ... poor guy. Strep throat is terrible i know. But he has been going to school, so that is good.

I haven't been sleeping right again, the doc told me to take my meds that make me sleepy at night which I have been and now I have been waking up in the middle of the night. Like right now, it's 1:45am. Here is hoping that will change soon.

I haven't written anything else since Feb 11. Of course, I really haven't sat down to try either. Maybe I will try and tackle that tomorrow since I drew the 9 of cups.

Zach's overtime got cut at work so that means a big cut in our financial situation. I always knew this was going to happen because when he begins his school program in the fall (for radiology tech), I knew he was going to have to quit his current job and get a part time job instead. I just wasn't ready for it yet. Please say blessings for us regarding our money situation.

Anyway, that is the latest from here ... til the next haunt .....

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Austin's Surgery

Well Austin's surgery went well, they capped several of his teeth and he came thru with flying colors. he was so tired afterwards and he didn't go to school yesterday. He tried but then came home. So he is at school this morning trying again. I am so proud of him. It was a long day though, they had us get there at 10:30 but didn't wheel him back to surgery til 2:10 and he was back by 3:45 and we were released to go home at 4:30. So it was a long day and considering the hospital was over an hour away, well you can imagine.

Well I got a call from school and he is running 102 degree fever so he is home for th enext couple of days ....... I took him to the doc and he has an ear infection and strep throat. Bad timing!

My books came for my school. I thought I would be super excited and ready to read them, but I am not lol. That time will come, I am sure. I have time.

Anyway, that is the latest from here .....

'Til the next haunt .....

Friday, February 27, 2009


Well, we have to be at the hospital at 10:30 on Monday morning for Austin's surgery, checking in to the 4th floor. I am so nervous. I am sure all will be okay, but I just hate that my baby has to have surgery.

I am officially in school! I signed up for an online course for Medical Transcriptionist and I start as soon as my books get here ! I am so excited .... this will lead to great opportunity to work at home or at a doctor's office or hospital. So I am really excited.

No more thoughts of calling mother .... thank goodness. I now realize that nothing that woman could say could change the way I feel and I also can tell you, that even after 5 years, she hasn't changed. So I am letting her go ... again ... I fear that I will have to have moments of letting her go from time to time but that is okay.

We got new dishes last night, we have been needing some dishes and so now we have a matching set which is great. also got some new silverware so all of that matches too! so yay!

Anyway, that is the lastest here ..... what have you guys been up to ? Hope that you will leave me a comment, I miss you guys! :)

'Til the next haunt ......

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thanks to Jacquelyn

I have a new header .. what do you think ? I aboslutely love it ! Thanks hunny !

We got Austin's surgery date ~ March 2nd. the hospital will call us Feb 27 to let us know what time to be ther e and his drinking and eating schedule before surgery. I am so nervous. I am sure he will do fine, but I am a mom, I can't help but be nervous.

I have the Tarot of Transfermation and drew this card today ~ the 1 of wands ~ grounding for creativity. I hope this means my writers block is starting to go away. I did actually write a poem on Feb 10th which I will share with you in a minute. This card means the starting or beginning of new thinking, thoughts and ideas. An unstoppable moviement. It is however the Ace of Wants which makesit a pretty pwerful card.While cards 2-19 in this suite mean hiding from the truth or afraid of facing the truth, this card means the opposite. Mental forces, truth and justice, fortitude and strengtj.
I have seen He's Just Not That Into You 3 times so far and I absolutely love it. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD. I mainly watched for Justin Long and boy was he a cutie in this movie. If you haven't seen it, RUN to your nearest theater. Don't think about it, just go!
Ok here is the poem I write the other day ~ It's called "Transenction"
There's this way you touch my face
It trancends all of space and time
It keeps me grounded in this place
You make me feel amazed and fine

As you caress my shoulder, I am transported
To a stream of concsiousness that takes me away
As I sink into your arms I know that I am supported
Sweet kisses acress my neck fade the day away

As our bodies mesh into one, I feel a completeness
One that makes magical happenings flow about
As I lay in your arms I am amazed by your sweetness
And I know that instantly you have gained some clout

Copyright@Renee Feb 11 2009
Well there ya have it , the first poem I have written in months. It's not very good but it's a start,
I found this on the net the other day which I just found heartfelt and it really spoke to me, there was no copyright info, so if it is yours let me know and iwill gladly credit ~ It's called "Weaving"
We must learn to walk in balancesacred steps to takeWeaving peace and understandingthrough all that we createA tapestry of love and lightfinest threads of goldSacred flame ever burning brightthrough all that we beholdWhen we learn to walk in balancethe healing will take placeThe healing of this earth Our Motherthe healing of the human raceA tapestry of love and lightfinest threads of goldsacred flame ever burning brightthrough all that we behold.
Isn't that amazing?
Yesterday was a great day off with the family , we got laundry and dishes done and then we went and bought a couple of shelfs for our bedroom so I could get some of my witchy stuff up off the floor and get my altar organized. I must say it looks great!!!!!!!
Anyway, I think I have rambled on long enough this time, so I will let you go ~
'Til the next haunt .........

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Not Ready to Make Nice

This goes out ot my mother ~ had to get this off my chest ~

"Not Ready ot Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds goodForget, I’m not sure I couldThey say time heals everythingBut I’m still waitingI’m through with doubtThere’s nothing left for me to figure outI’ve paid a priceAnd I’ll keep payingI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldI know you saidCan’t you just get over itIt turned my whole world aroundAnd I kind of like itI made my bed and I sleep like a babyWith no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach herDaughter that she ought to hate a perfect strangerAnd how in the world can the words that I saidSend somebody so over the edgeThat they’d write me a letterSayin’ that I better shut up and singOr my life will be overI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldForgive, sounds goodForget, I’m not sure I couldThey say time heals everythingBut I’m still waiting

'til the next haunt ....

Friday, February 13, 2009


Well I am dowm to 144 so I have lost 8 pounds! Now if I could just keep this up I will be doing good. I am doing my home work outs, eating better and drinking more water.

So i took Austin to the dentist thinking it would just be a regular ole' cleaning, but the doc found 4 caveties .. two he took care of in the office and two he has to have surgery for. He needs caps on his permanent molars. My baby has to have surgery!:( We go to his regular doc Tuesday, then from there the surgical consulatant will call us with the surgery date and where we have to go. Zach will take off that day to be with me and to drive us since I don't drive in Austin.

On another note, I went out with an ex boyfriend last night to dinner. It was nice to see him agian, he paid for dinner and then we hugged goodbye. It was nice.

Anyway, that is the latest here .....

'Til the nect haunt ....

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Weight loss goals

i weigh 152. There i said it. And it's all in my stomach. People think I am pregnant because of the weight I have there. I have started eating right and drinking more water. And i worked out a little bit at home on the Fit channel. But i want to lose the weight now. i want it to be easy and just magically lose the weight. I know that can't happen, but boy it would be nice. It's just all frustrating and I am at my wit's end.

On another note, I found my brother on facebook. Now al ot of you didn't know I had a brother because I don't talk about him. He pretty much abandoned me when my mom did. All because he was scared of her. I sent him a message, whether or not he replies, still remains to be seen. At this point, it would be nice, but I could care less.

Found some of my old high school friends on Facebook and we have been having a great time going back and forth. Am lucky i ran into them. One being my best friend, Marla. i am so excited.

Anyway, that is the latest here ... if I can just stick with working out, then I will be all good.

Friday, February 6, 2009

From the Daily Om : The Dance of Intimacy

Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that the dance of intimacy involves coming together and moving apart. Early in a relationship, intense periods of closeness are important in order to establish the ground of a new union. Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, budding relationships demand time and attention if they are to fully take root. Once they become more established, the individuals in the union begin to turn their attention outward again, to the other parts of their lives that matter, such as work, family, and friendships. This is natural and healthy. Yet, if a long-term relationship is to last, turning towards one another recurrently, with the same curiosity, attention, and nurturance of earlier times, is essential.
In a busy and demanding world full of obligations and opportunities, we sometimes lose track of our primary relationships, thinking they will tend to themselves. We may have the best intentions when we think about how nice it would be to surprise our partner with a gift or establish a weekly date night. Yet somehow, life gets in the way. We may think that our love is strong enough to survive without attention. Yet even mature trees need water and care if they are to thrive.
One of the best ways to nourish a relationship is through communication. If you feel that a distance has grown between you and your partner, you may be able to bridge the gap by sharing how you feel. Do your best to avoid blame and regret. Focus instead on the positive, which is the fact that you want to grow closer together. Sometimes, just acknowledging that there is distance between you has the effect of bringing the relationship into balance. In other cases, more intense effort and attention may be required. You may want to set aside time to talk and come up with solutions together. Remember to have compassion for each other. You’re in the same boat together and trying to maintain the right balance of space and togetherness to keep your relationship healthy and thriving. Express faith and confidence in each other, and enjoy the slow dance of intimacy that can resume between the two of you.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Why Can't You Turn and Face Me?

I actually tried to call my Mom the other day. What the hell was i thinking? Some miraculous melody of "it's so good to hear from you" and "how are you doing?" Not my mom. I really don't know what I expected, I just felt the urge to call for some reason. But there was no answer. *Whew* After all of the years of abuse and hurt that woman caused me, she shouldn't get the priviledge of talking to me.

So I am a stay at home mom, a house dweller. And I should do more around the house. Zach is feeling the pressure of me not having a job and it's getting to him. We had a falling out the other night about all of this ... it's hard to explain, I mean I just don't feel good most of the time. I am going to try and do more around the house. So that should help out. I want to be able to contribute and I do some with child support and SSI but I want my disability to come thru so that I am doing more. Just pray and cross everything that this be approved. I don't know what else to do.... It's been going on 2 years and I am getting tired. ....

This song reminds me of my mom ~ "Passive" by A Perfect Circle:

“Dead as dead can be,” my doctor tells meBut I just can’t believe him, ever the optimistic oneI’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemyWake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybeSomeday I will walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”Maybe you’re better off this wayLeaning over you here, cold and catatonicI catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have beenIt's your right and your ability To become…my perfect enemy…Wake up (we'll catch you) and face me (come one now), Don’t play dead (don't play dead) Cause maybe (because maybe)Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”Maybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayYou’re better of this; you’re better off this;Maybe you’re better off!Wake up (can't you) and face me (come on now), Don’t play dead (don't play dead)Cause maybe (because maybe)Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You fucking disappoint me!”Maybe you’re better off this wayGo ahead and play deadI know that you can hear thisGo ahead and play deadWhy can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me? You fucking disappoint me!Passive aggressive bullshit

'Til the next haunt ~

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

from the daily om

The idea of trusting the universe is a popular one these days, but many of us don’t know what this really means and we often have a hard time doing it. This is partly because the story of humankind is most often presented as a story about struggle, control, and survival, instead of one of trust and collaboration with the universe. Yet, in truth, we need to adhere to both ideas in this life.
On the one hand, there is much to be said about exerting control over our environment. We created shelter to protect ourselves from the elements. We hunted for animals and invented agriculture to feed ourselves. We built social infrastructures to protect ourselves and create community. This is how we survive and grow as a civilization. However, it is also clear that there are plenty of things that we cannot control, no matter how hard we try, and we often receive support from an unseen force – a universe that provides us with what we cannot provide for ourselves.
It is a good idea to take responsibility for the things in life that we can control or create. We work so we can feed, clothe, and shelter our loved ones and ourselves. We manifest our dreams and visions in physical form with hard work and forethought. But at a certain point, when have done all that we can, we must let go and allow the universe to take over. This requires trust. It requires a trust that runs deeper than just expecting things to turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won’t. We develop equanimity and grace as we learn to trust that, with the guiding hand of the universe, life will unfold exactly the way it should. We are engaged in an ongoing relationship with a universe that responds to our thoughts and actions.

'Til the next haunt ~

Lost my Way

So I was thinking the other day about my spirituality. I am a Wiccan, a Witch, a Pagan. But lately I have strayed and it's really getting to me. I just don't have the gusto to make it right, either. So here I sit, knowing what I need to do, yet not doing a damn thing about it. I need some inspiration. I need some lift. I need someone to share their good vibes with me. Please.

Anyway, was thinking about my fave songs today too and thought I would post them here for you ~

Papercut ~ Linkin Park
Elsewhere ~ Sarah McLachlan
Never Too Late ~ Three Days Grace
Savin Me ~ Nickelback
Two Weeks ~ All That Remains
Sick Cycle Carousel ~ Lifehouse
Fast Car ~ Tracy Chapman
One Step Closer ~ Linkin Park
Down With the Sickness ~ Disturbed
Loser ~ Three Doors Down
When I'm Gone ~ Three Doors Down
Passive ~ A Perfect Circle
A Current Obsession ~ Lacuna Coil
The Scientist ~ Coldplay
Love Remains the Same ~ Gavin Rossdale
Deliver Me ~ Def Leopard

Anyway, other than that not much has been going on around here. I haven't heard from my lawyer since that first week I lost my job. He is getting medical records together for me and waiting on them to schedule a new hearing. Getting disability is hard ... I have been at this for 2 years. At least I have a lawyer fighting for me.

Well that is it ~

'Til the next haunt ~ ......

Sunday, January 25, 2009

A Sigh

Well remember my friend that I spoke of that hadn't talked to me in years because of a mistake ... well we talked today and it was so nice. She said it was water under the bridge now and to not even worry about it. So that was nice.

Just got back from seeing Underworld : Rise of the Lycans. I thought it was okay. It wasn't too long which was nice. Zach thought it was alright. It was just nice to go to a movie together. Austin is at a friend's house. The same friends spent the night here last night so I had 3 kiddos here .. I really have to admire anyone that has more than one kiddo ... I couldn't do more than one full time I don't think. So kudos to you parents out there ~ you have more strength than me.

The doc gave me a new med for my fibromyalgia ~ Lyrica. It's supposed to help greatly. So far I think it's helping, you have to build up to it. So I am taking it like the directions say and I will let you know how well it does. I just hope that this is the answer to all of the pain. I can't take much more of this pain.

Anyway, that is the latest from me ....

'Til the next haunt .....

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Ace of Cups

I did my card a day drawing from my Celestial Tarot deck and I drew the Ace of Cups. Meaning new hope, new beginings, spiritual fulfillment, love, intmacy and happiness. I am hoping this means that my new found quest to return to my spiritual side is just on the horizon. I have strayed in the last year or so, not even reading anything, so I must get back to it.

Austin had a 4 day weekend .. tomorrow being the last night. Or today I guess I should say. My days and nights are running together as I am awake again in the middle of the night. This pain is just unbearable. I wish the doctor's could do more. I go see him again Thursday so am going to ask him about it.

There is just not much TV on at this time of the morning. I am watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air right now .... I just finished watching some recordings I had of The L Word and The New Adventures of Old Christine. Gotta love DVR.

Zach is feeling better so that is good. His throat still hurts but other than that, he seems to be doing better. So that makes me happy.

We haven't been doing much, Austin and me have just been hanging around the house while Zach is at work. I don't have the energy to do much, so we cuddle a lot.

Lost comes back Wednesday!!!!! I am so so excited :)

Anyway, til the next haunt ....

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Flare ups and Sickness

I haven't been sleeping lately. I am in a flare up and it's killing me :( I will be glad when this passes.

Austin won student of the month for january. I took lots of pics and when I get them downloaded I will post them here. This is a big accomplishment for him, a really huge deal. I am so proud!

Zach is getting sick so he has been resting all day. .. so have I. We are a pair aren't we?!

The L Word premieres Sunday ~ I am so excited. Psych came back last week and Lost comes back Wednesday. I cannot wait!

Anyway, that is about it for now ... just wanted to do a quick post. Hope that you are all doing well.

'Til the next haunt ......

Thursday, January 15, 2009

now I Tremble

I have been feeling very statalgic lately. I remembered my best friend's phone number that I had when I was younger. The relationship ended when I didn't show up to her wedding. The guy I was dating at the time was very controlling and abusive and wouldn't let me go. So the friendship dissolved and it's been 5 years and I have not talked to her. I called her today and left her a message so we will see. Hopefully maybe she will call back.

I have been awake since 11pm last night and I am still not tired. My body is physically hurting and exhausted but I just can't get to sleep.

I have been studying the Tarot and trying to learn to read cards. The goal is for me to start doing readings online. I am fascinated by it and I found an amazing forum ~ Aeclectic Tarot ~ with some amazing information on there and the people are just so nice!

I am going to breakfast tomorrow with a friend of mine, Lisa. She is going to pick me up at 8. I am excited, I don't get to see her too often and I don't get out of the house much either so this will be nice.

Well I guess that about wraps up the latest from me ... leaving you will a song, by All that Remains .... "Behind Silence and Solitude":

you face me in silence and hope is in your eyesunspoken yet pleading you wait for my replyalone now i tremble in want of your embracelet not tears fall for me, let me show the waydon't know why you have such belief in mto justify this i'd try eternallyi will not forget what you've done for meshed not a tear i'll be with you endlesslyhow i wish i could saywhat you want to hearlong ago i swore that i'd always keep you neari know now it seems like my vow was empty thenbut in time you will see i'd do it all againi lie back close my eyes againthe dreams are theremy last chance slipped awayyou'll never know i caredi count this with reason as most of my regretnow i hope you can see that i will not forget

Monday, January 12, 2009


That is what happened at my job today ... I was terminated. For missing too many days of work. I can't help it that I was sick .... the manager and everyone were crying ... they didn't want me to go but those are the rules. Meh. I don't know what I am going to do now .... I have been trying to get disability for a couple of years now and going to try even harder now. I have a call in to my lawyer.

On a good note, Kate Winslet won TWO Golden Globes last night ~ I couldn't be happier!

The Giants lost their football game so they are out of the playoffs now ... I really wanted them to win! I love Eli Manning, the quaterback. So I am sad about that.....

Anyway, will post more soon, just gotta process this all in my head .......

Thursday, January 1, 2009


Well happy new year! I can't believe it's 2009 already. I hope this year is a great one and I am determined to make it that way. I am going to reconnect with my spirituality this year, I have strayed away from it and I need to embrace it once again and get close to the Goddess. That is why I am re reading Dianne Sylvan's book The Circle Within. That always inspires me.

I am missing Austin ... he is still at his dad's for the holidays. We pick him up Sunday and I cannot wait!

We went out for New Year's last night for a couple of hours. The place we went was crowded and there were no places to sit. We still had fun, though. We got home before midnight and watched the ball drop on TV. It was nice to celebrate quietly.

I am also determined to blog more this year ~ so expect to see more of me!

'Til the next haunt ....